I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
After watching Cinemax for a few months, real porn just grosses me out.
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
We made a water bong out of a wine bottle... Being an architect major finally payed off.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
Travis is back on this booty and burgers thing. If I'm his delivery service for food he better fuck me how I want.
Are some dicks heavier than others? Random question as I'm feeling mine.
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
Randomize
