Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
That moment when you can't decide if you should vote for the random frat guy you have head to at the beginning of the semester for business and technology senator.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
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