My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
The kid with the ed hardy shirt put a bunch of random shit in the washer and turned it on. example: a hanger, the movie Chocolate with Johnny Depp, and your mom's cat
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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