We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
I have realized now that neither the top nor bottom of a bunk bed is safe for sex....
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
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Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
The convent might be a nice break from real life
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
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