I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
Randomize
