i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
Do I need to let your sister outside to go pee or anything before I leave?
Are you going to tell your therapist we boned?
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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