im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
It's a 2 hour train ride a 7 in the morning, of course we're bringing alcohol
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
His roommates came in and started a dance party in his room while we were having sex. He said it wasnt the first time.
Fried chicken is a must. Do strippers eat fried chicken or should I plan on something else?
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
Randomize
