genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
True enough. Do you ever think that these girls grandparents ghosts are watching you masterbate to their granddaughters and look at you in Shame?
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
sent a snap of my boobs out to my FWB his response was what happened to your other nipple ring.. how do I say it got ripped out by my other FWB last week without sounding like a slut
he just sent me a dick pic, it highly resembled a cheese stick
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
can we fuck so we can live up to our nicknames for eachother?
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