I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
Apparently you make a good broom.
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
Chapter 6 - how to lose your underwear in chicago
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
Last time we had a party like that I woke up naked on the pool table with a chalk outline around me and a empty bottle of jager duct taped to my hand.
Yea. I'm excited about this party too
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
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