When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
he said i looked like a lion with slutty lingerie on .
well... just scaled a wall and entered the bar through the balcony. just making some last minute memories nbd.
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
I woke up at 3am, top off, with campus security telling me to get dressed. Tonight was a GOOD NIGHT
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
Randomize
