There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
She has an alarming number of pictures with cat ears but the sex is amazing.
I don't want too, lol. I'm currently awaiting my next period like its the second coming of christ
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