so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
Apparently 151 is to me what spinach is to popeye.
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
you know my pussy doesn't know between good and evil
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
Randomize
