I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
Its become more of a routine.. Whenever I get done eating and have left overs I just take it over to his house and throw it all over the walls and windows. Pay backs a bitch ehhhh
Next time we're there I want drunk pics of us trying to ride the stone lions downtown. Don't even attempt to fight me on this.
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
Just woke up in my fuck buddies bed with, from the looks of her ass and side boob, a girl that is not my fuck buddy. This should be interesting
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
Randomize
