I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
Im a photoshop master, i successfully reduced the size of the pupils of all the girls I made out last night with to prove they were not that drunk. So glad the camera goes home with me.
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
I should probably add her on Facebook for as much as I cheat off her in Physics, huh?
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