I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
I wish I only lived at night.
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
who loves string cheese????? I LOVE STRING CHEESE!!!
you know...if you didn't give such great head little things like this would ruin our friends with benefits relationship.
I don't know how many crown and cokes he went through but I know it was more that I have fingers. We are never leaving Texas.
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
Randomize
