That bitch is like a bad destiny's child song.
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
double majoring has taught me only that psych majors are sluttier than govt majors
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
He couldn't get his dick hard. So he started yelling at it. " EVERYONE is laughing at you, you piece of shit no wonder you can't get pussy" i wonder if that happens frequently I'll try again next weekend
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
I am watching xfiles and eating microwaved cookiedough, and I see nothing wrong with it.
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
if it makes you feel any better you looked really comfortable while you were sleepin in the closet, atleast according to the pictures i woke up with on my phone
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
