I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
We'll make it into fun. If I can make wii bowling into a drinking game, I can make studying spanish into a sex game.
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
Randomize
