mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
Is it bad everytime a fat person orders fraps I want to tell them to slow their rolls
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
They need a stunt cock, be about 20 more minutes.
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
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