I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
i was just lookin through my fb pics and i think im with a cat in like 40% of them..: how sad is my life
Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
So I drew a giant robot attacking a city on the chem test. My TA colored in the fire on the burning building
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
be ready to rage tomorrow. like naked ranch dressing rage
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
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