Quick, to the slutcave!
if someoen knew that someone accidentally drunkly kissed your boyfriend would you want them to tell you/?
followup question: what if both somones were me?
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
Make puking fun. Chug half a monster right before you blow. Throw up foam. Most unique experience ever.
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
Randomize
