yes because when i jack off the first person i think about is christina applegate
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
I told him I felt we were at the point where if I saw him talking to another girl, I'd probably choke him out. So I guess you could say things are getting serious.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
I think after 8 tries we can say Stoli Thursdays cause too much damage.
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
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