i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
I've officially moved beyond college drinking. I just got business drunk at an internship seminar.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
deryk tried to steal your screen door and i think sam and brent are duct taping lauren to the diving board.
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
I don't know what she looks like but I'm pretty sure she has a pussy.
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
I'm dangerously close to tossing this whole "morals" bullshit and swan-diving into the fuckboy lifestyle.
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
Randomize
