They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
Sleeping with him wouldn't be considered hoeing out... It seems more like babysitting.
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
I cant believe you bit her ass cheek, she must have been really weirded out.
yeah so we made out to make it less awkward
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
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