It is pretty awful out and I still haven't put on pants yet.
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
Turn on the Discovery Channel
Lets fuck to motorcycle gang fighting
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
His penis is average but his stamina is amazing!!! I didn’t know I had that many orgasms in my body!!!!
Randomize