wakey wakey hands off snakey
Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
We're cuddling on the couch that me and his brother had sex on...this feels wrong
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
Randomize
