I'm lost and stupid without you.
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
Randomize
