i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
Ugh, I should just give up, and fuck him in a parking lot, and shave my head and walk naked through the streets of King's Landing.
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
Randomize
