I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
Either I'm losing my touch or ED is running rampant in 20 something men now
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
I feel like im becoming the girl who only drunk texts him. I would be in the dog house, if situations like this had dog houses.
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
Randomize
