she looked like the before picture.
Whatever, you were 10 deep and there was a hot tub. No judgment.
I havnt had this much beer since i losodt my virginity. thank. god.
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
You held your own hair and threw up into a red cup...I think they were more amazed than upset.
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
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