there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
We owe the rent and you're unemployed...you're in no financial position to flirt with cocaine addiction.
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
Let's just say I've never been so continually aware of my nipples before.
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
Randomize
