wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
oh so have I but I'd still suck a dick or 20 in the name of freedom.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
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