4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
he thought he was parachuting out of a plane... talk about a bad trip.
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
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