I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
i'm reaslly not drunk enough to wtch the fat lesbian on my floor brng another fat lesbian dressed up as a bloody nurse into her room at 2am
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
Just screamed wow while using my vibrator.. new low
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize
