youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
I dont understand how a fully grown man could convince himself that lime green crocks would look good on him.
im six kinds of drunk right now
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
No my first time having an orgasm with you will not be on face time
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
My room looks so cute. Who wouldn't want to hook up with me in here?
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
