If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
Just the amount of girls he locked himself in my room woth says your gonna have to take a cab bro. I don't think he's going anywhere
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
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