Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
i hope when i become a housewife i'm more of a gretchen and less of a vicky
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
He had bigger boobs than me last night and we both weren't wearing a bra so it was a fair judgement
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
Randomize
