I wanna be on tlc
Impossible. You are neither fat, fertile or fashionless.
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
sorry for running off in the middle of that heart to heart. free food.
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
Randomize
