Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
Honestly I'm so excited to go to bed I feel as if I don't deserve to be in my early twenties.
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
Randomize
