I only kidnapped one of them. chill
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
You is good. You is important. You is a slut.
I'm making a quesadilla and including it in the picture because that's the only way I think I can send her dick pics.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
Randomize
