So how gross is it that Woopie Goldberg has a vagina? She's like the exact opposite of a boner....
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
Sex in your truck helped me start regaining feeling in my jaw. Thanks!
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
Randomize
