So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
i've come to the conclusion that there is no classy way to apply chloroseptic spray to your butthole.
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
after taking her first shot and having her first random hook up she finally feels like she is ready for college
she has no idea
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
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