I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
Yeah, it was all fun and games until I realized that it wasn't my tent, and I had no idea who those people were
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
but I truly enjoy making out with my best friend more than my boyfriend
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
He doesn't have much of a personality but he makes up for it with his sexual prowess
keeper.
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
Randomize
