I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
I think any school that has COCKS written on it's baseball hats has their priorities straight.
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
And after that you guys started calling arbor mist "breakfast juice"
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
Randomize
