just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
the good news is that i vommed the last of my humanity last night.
welcome to the club.
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
Randomize
