I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
Foreign porn with subtitles is a little disappointing.
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
i feel like i got punched in the face....
you did....
Randomize
