i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
These 19 People Had Awkward Celebrity Sex Dreams
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
he's doing fine. just headbutted the wall and threw up
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
These 27 People Had No Idea What They Were Doing When It Came To Sex
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.