Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
OK am i seriously the only one who thinks Cocaine Tuesdays is a bad idea?
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
He got an erection from helping me mobilize my lumbar spine. I love physical therapy school.
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
Randomize
