oh there is nothing like the 1st beerbong of the school year
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
Bad things happen to those who bang their lab partner at the beginning of the semester.
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
Drunk. Send nudes. Just curious.
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
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