hotel room ftw
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
Just wondering why in an apartment full of stoners there is half a waffle in the TRASH CAN. get ur shit together man
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
No like you fell onto the fence. I don't even know how you got into the fenced in area.
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
