If that was your dad, he is hot
Betty ford says i'm here all night
she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
Randomize
