did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
at least franzia made me throw up pretty colors.
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
Whales. Broccoli little trees giant. Magic in cat form. I want my loco and juice. Black in shower. Brb remember life.
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
I could fuck to npr.
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