i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
I wish I only lived at night.
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
there's a barbecue in the shower. I'd like to know who got this to fit inside perfectly. impressive
This weekend was suppose to be a 'smoke weed and stare at things' weekend. Not a 'spend all my rent money partying with Europeans till 8 am' weekend
Yeah but those French chicks did get naked
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
He's hot....knda sweaty, drunk smells like feet....but he's hung like a whale....so in other words totally your type
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
