I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
please tell me you didn't have sex with him in the bathroom...
Does an alley count?
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
MY TITS JUST CAUSED A CAR ACCIDENT ON THE HIGHWAY! i kid you not!! i thinl the giy is actually dead
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
Randomize
