You know that restaurant that is like over by home depot?
That shitty one? I heard the food sucks there
It's my parent's restaurant
I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
is it bad that while shopping i looked specifically for clothes that hold their form after taking them off and putting them on again and again?
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
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