I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
So yeah never trust sex tips from yahoo answers
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
HIS DICK ISNT BIG ENOUGH FOR HIM TO BE THAT PROUD OKAY
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
Randomize
